One of the more challenging aspects of dealing with domestic abuse in the home is that we do not want to believe it when it is happening to us. Being in a relationship with someone that we have deep feelings for has a way of facilitating the process of making excuses for the behaviors of that partner and taking on a belief that we can change things if we just try harder. On the other side, things can be just as difficult to see. Most people who are abusive have a belief that what they are doing is right because they have learned these behaviors while growing up or have failed to learn more appropriate ways to deal with the relationship. One of the common factors found in abusers is that they are very controlling and feel that it is not only their right to dominate their partner but it is their duty in order to ensure a happy family. Whether a person is an abuser or a victim the path comes from learned and unlearned behaviors based on the experiences of their life.
Here are a few tips for determining whether your partner is a potential abuser:
A person with emotional issues
• Has severe anger outbursts over little things or has Road Rage
• Falls in love/wants to get married and/or have a baby with you too fast
• Overly jealous or controlling of you
• Says or does really mean & hateful things
• You never know who he/she is going to be today
• Always into other people's business
• Steals
A Narcissist/Self-Centered Person
• Totally self-centered/ it's all about him/her
• You can't do enough for him/her (in their opinion)
• Always the "victim" in any situation
• Doesn’t hear a word you say unless it's about him/her (in other words, they don't care about your needs, feelings, or wishes)
• Because he/she is so wrapped up in self, he/she tends to be inappropriate or neglectful with children or pets
• Will say or do horrifically hurtful things and then will expect you to "get over it" as soon as he/she is over it
• A person who has multiple friends of the opposite gender and always wants to get together with those friends but doesn't want you to be around at those times and cannot understand why you have a problem with it!
You may ask yourself how someone could get involved in with this type of person to begin with. In many cases they don't long enough to see how they really are and once you see how o they really are, it's too late. It can also seem exciting to get involved in the drama and in many cases people feel like they are rescuing someone from their unhealthy ways, especially if there are things about the person that you really like. In any case, if you feel that you may be in an abusive relationship or just have questions, you can contact the base Domestic Abuse Victim Advocate (DAVA) at (360)257-8894.
David Thomason, BS, CPDPE
Education Services Facilitator
FFSC, NAS Whidbey Island, WA
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